Pastoral Counseling:

When We Must Share Bad News

by Bill Bagents

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profane are the kisses of an enemy” (Prov 27:6).

“Have I then become your enemy by telling you the truth?” (Gal 4:16).

As Christian leaders, we want people to be well, whole, and blessed. We love to tell the good, and we hate to be bearers of bad news. We find joy in seeing others happy. But in this sin-damaged world, much lies beyond our control. In this fallen world, all the news isn’t good.

Why would we state such an obvious truth? We need the reminder that even strong Christians sometimes forget it during challenging times. Some even refer to Scripture as they forget:

• “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you” (Matt 7:7).
• “Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven” (Matt 18:19).
• “Love never fails” (1 Cor 13:8).
• “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phil 4:13).

Especially during crises, people forget to read such verses in context and in balance with the whole of biblical teaching (Matt 26:36–39, 2 Cor 12:7–10). Regarding Philippians 4:13, the context strongly supports the understanding of “I can endure all things through Christ who strengthens me.” As much as faith, attitude, and perspective matter, Paul is not endorsing the absolute power of positive thinking.

Some problems are intractable; they do not have solutions on this planet. Other problems have only partial solutions. Sometimes people come to us for help with meeting unrealistic expectations. What they want is simply not achievable. Easy examples include wanting a job—world-class musician or baseball star—for which they lack the talent or physicality. A much tougher example is wanting a loved one to become a Christian, overcome addiction, and lead a blessed life. It’s tougher because our loved one could make those choices; they lie within the realm of possibility. It’s also tougher because those choices are outside our control. Unless the person wants God’s help and chooses God’s way, the blessings will not come.

What are the options in pastoral counseling when we cannot give people the good news that they crave? The horrible options include:

• Lying, which of course would be called “sparing their feelings” or “protecting them.” We can’t lie and be right with God (Eph 4:25; Rev 21:8). Ultimately, we can’t help people by lying.
• Saying little and hoping they won’t notice. That’s a fundamental insult. There is biblical support for using discretion and not always saying everything that we think. Only a fool verbally vents every feeling (Prov 29:11). But there is no biblical support for withholding needed truth (Acts 20:26–27; Gal 4:16).
• Hinting at the truth and hoping that they’ll figure it out. We love the respect and growth orientation of guided discovery. We recommend and support that process. However, we hate and fear cowardice. As godly leaders, we cannot leave people floundering when they need a clear word of truth.
• Offering hollow platitudes. “Yes, your loss is great, but think of all the blessings that you still have.” “One day, you’ll look back on this and smile.” “We all must accept the bad with the good.” “It’ll all work out in the end.”
• Offering foolish comparisons. “Yes, your situation is bad, but it’s not nearly as tragic and pervasive as Job’s.” “Tough as it is, your life comes nowhere close to the cruelty and injustice that Jesus endured.” “We both know people who’ve suffered more.” Even if true, such words in a time of great pain offer neither insight nor comfort. They sound callous and dismissive. Such words are often perceived as insult or attack.

There are far better options when we must share difficult news with those we counsel.

• Pray for wisdom (James 1:5).
• Speak the truth in love (John 13:34–35; Eph 4:15; Col 3:6).
• Speak in the way that we’d want someone to speak to us (Matt 7:12).
• Speak in language that the person we’re helping is capable of hearing (Prov 25:11–12).
• Use stories (a narrative approach) when a story is most appropriate (2 Sam 12:1–6). This calls for the highest level of discernment. It demands wisdom and experience.
• When the truth needs to be clearly stated, find the courage and state the truth (2 Sam 12:7). Do not leave truth in doubt.
• Use questions to open minds and promote reflection (1 Kings 19:9,13). NOTE: 1 Kings 19 does not stand in opposition to 2 Samuel 12. These examples present different skills that fit different contexts.
• Do nothing harshly. It is not our role to punish (John 8:10–11; Rom 12:15–21).
• Don’t argue. If the person we’re helping can’t hear us yet, we wait. Show all patience (Titus 3:1–7). Sometimes we start to say what we believe to be wise in the moment but come to realize that the time is not yet right. We humbly self-correct and wait.
• Tell the truth but offer only realistic hope. Offer no false dreams. As with Paul in 2 Corinthians 12, the “solution” may not be deliverance or removal of the problem. The solution may be choosing, with God’s help, to accept reality. On a higher level, the solution may be a change of attitude and perspective (reframing) to align our thinking with God’s (Isa 55:8–9).
• Tell the truth and offer ongoing support. Don’t desert those whose needs and issues have no easy answer (2 Cor 1:3–4; Gal 6:9–10; 1 Thess 5:14). We’re blessed to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ,” and to honor the principle that “each one will have to bear his own load” (Gal 6:2, 5). Again, there’s tremendous blessing in wisdom and balance.
• When the heart’s door opens and the time is right, affirm God’s ultimate deliverance. Everything will be right in God’s tomorrow (2 Cor 4:16–5:7). There’s coming a day when God Himself will wipe away every tear (Rev 21:4). Warning: to present this truth prematurely will rob it of its power.

It has been proposed that we can help and comfort others only as far as our ability to endure pain will allow (2 Cor 12:28–29). While that’s not the whole story, it contains an important element of truth. Helping others means entering their world and sharing their pain. It also includes realizing that we can’t always end that pain. Sometimes, we face great challenge even in our efforts to ease it. To be blunt, sometimes people feel worse before they feel better. Sometimes improvement is both microscopic and stunningly slow.

Still, there’s nobility in trying to help others. There’s nobility in loving. And there’s wisdom it trying and loving God’s way. God bless your every faithful effort!